Funny Quotes

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. - Reba McEntire

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. - Margaret Mead

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. - Isaac Asimov

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. - Abraham Lincoln

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. - Chris Rock

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. - Steve Martin

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. - Abraham Lincoln

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - Henny Youngman

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. - W. H. Auden

You're only as good as your last haircut. - Fran Lebowitz

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. - Oliver Herford

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. - Benjamin Franklin

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. - Jules Renard

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. - Robin Williams

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. - Anthony Burgess

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - Mark Twain

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. - George Bernard Shaw

I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. - Luis Bunuel

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katharine Hepburn

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. - Thomas Sowell

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. - Don Marquis

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. - Dr. Seuss

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. - Robin Williams

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. - Peter Ustinov

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. - Oscar Levant

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. - Rodney Dangerfield

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. - Stephen Hawking

My life needs editing. - Mort Sahl

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. - Casey Stengel

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin

Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. - Thor Heyerdahl

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. - Steven Wright

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? - Robin Williams

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. - W. C. Fields

All generalizations are false, including this one. - Mark Twain

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. - Oscar Wilde

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. - Clint Eastwood

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. - E. B. White

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. - Richard Dawkins

We are all born mad. Some remain so. - Samuel Beckett

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - Albert Einstein

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

What's another word for Thesaurus? - Steven Wright

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. - James A. Garfield

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. - Laurence J. Peter

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around. - Thomas A. Edison

You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things. - Ken Kesey

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. - Mel Brooks

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. - Henry Kissinger

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham Lincoln

Reality continues to ruin my life. - Bill Watterson

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. - Milton Berle

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. - Alex Haley

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. - H. G. Wells

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. - Joey Adams

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. - William Lyon Phelps

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. - Sam Levenson

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. - Walt Whitman

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. - Tallulah Bankhead

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. - Will Rogers

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. - Clint Eastwood

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. - Bertrand Russell

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. - W. Somerset Maugham

I love fools' experiments. I am always making them. - Charles Darwin

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. - Ronald Reagan

Cure for an obsession: get another one. - Mason Cooley

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. - Rodney Dangerfield

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. - Mitch Hedberg

If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like. - William Feather

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. - H. L. Mencken

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. - Wilson Mizner

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will Rogers

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. - Groucho Marx

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. - Woody Allen

Be obscure clearly. - E. B. White

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. - Charles M. Schulz

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. - Laurence J. Peter

Never have more children than you have car windows. - Erma Bombeck

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. - P. J. O'Rourke

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. - Woody Allen

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. - Henny Youngman

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Fred Allen

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. - Warren Buffett

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. - Henny Youngman

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. - Mark Twain

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. - Charles Dudley Warner

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. - P. G. Wodehouse

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Jack Benny

Never put a sock in a toaster. - Eddie Izzard

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them. - Bill Vaughan

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. - James Thurber

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - Mae West

To be or not to be. That's not really a question. - Jean-Luc Godard

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them? - Leo Durocher

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. - Erma Bombeck

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. - Milton Berle

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. - Mitch Hedberg

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. - Arthur C. Clarke

I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them. - Anna Held

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. - William Arthur Ward

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. - Milton Berle

I like children - fried. - W. C. Fields

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. - Logan Pearsall Smith

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. - Alexander Woollcott

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. - Robert A. Heinlein

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. - Charles M. Schulz

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. - Thomas Szasz

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. - George Burns

What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. - Jerome K. Jerome

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? - James Thurber

Only the mediocre are always at their best. - Jean Giraudoux

A word to the wise is infuriating. - Hunter S. Thompson

I'm for whatever gets you through the night. - Frank Sinatra

I have an unfortunate personality. - Orson Welles

Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark. - O. Henry

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. - Yogi Berra

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. - Rodney Dangerfield

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. - Josh Billings

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. - Saint Augustine

I'm not funny. What I am is brave. - Lucille Ball

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. - Dave Barry

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. - Don Marquis

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. - Mitch Hedberg

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. - Walt Disney

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W. Clement Stone

Macho does not prove mucho. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. - Wilson Mizner

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

The next time you have a thought... let it go. - Ron White

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. - Mel Brooks

It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life. - Jimi Hendrix

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. - Ogden Nash

I rant, therefore I am. - Dennis Miller

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. - Stephen Fry

An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. - Don Marquis

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. - Calvin Coolidge

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Saul Bellow

One picture is worth 1,000 denials. - Ronald Reagan

Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day. - Jennifer Aniston

All men are equal before fish. - Herbert Hoover

I can speak Esperanto like a native. - Spike Milligan

I never said most of the things I said. - Yogi Berra

Even Napoleon had his Watergate. - Yogi Berra

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. - Douglas Adams

Too much agreement kills a chat. - Eldridge Cleaver

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. - Jay London

I don't mean to be funny. - Yogi Berra

Never fight an inanimate object. - P. J. O'Rourke

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. - Logan Pearsall Smith

Instant gratification takes too long. - Carrie Fisher

The superfluous, a very necessary thing. - Voltaire